Sunday, January 31, 2010

Second Page.

Here is the second page. I am sorry for pestering you. After this one I will leave ya alone for a bit, I promise.


Thx again, same rules apply.



Removed.

thx for all the help.
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5 comments:

  1. Jeff KingJanuary 31, 2010 at 8:44 PM

    well- it was a little more than a page. but i wanted to leave it at a good stopping point. thx again.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ZM_DreamerFebruary 1, 2010 at 5:45 AM

    The first page confused me just a little. When I first started reading it, I didn't think it was a child in the bed. I naturally assumed I was reading an adult novel. This second page brings more light to the story and made me understand the first page.

    You caught me on page two. It makes me want to read more. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Stephanie BarrFebruary 1, 2010 at 6:29 AM

    I would read more, just because it confused me.

    I have a better feel for his father's motivations than Ryan's. I also don't like this paragraph:

    "Kelly always called Ryan small and weak, but in reality Ryan was very strong and excelled in everything he did. His size was average for his age of 13; this was the only thing average about him. He had an abnormally gifted mind that allowed him to succeed where others failed. His amazing sky blue eyes dominated a flawless face, average was the last thing you thought of when looking at Ryan."

    It doesn't seem to fit with how I see children his age thinking of themselves. Even most adults, particularly if they're denigrated by a parent all the time. Better to have us see himself in the mirror (perhaps while looking for mars from the blow to the face) and let the reader decide for themselves how smart Ryan is.

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  4. Jeff KingFebruary 1, 2010 at 1:57 PM

    Great point steph, i never thought about it like that.
    And thx Dreamer. I wanted to put the reader right in the action, then back story. Even though the preface will have a lot of detail about his age, the year, and mood of the world; maybe I should add a bit in the first page to help visualize Ryan.
    And I hate to say it, but I didn't see the issue with the description of Ryan, until now. Your right, if I can show it... that’s better than telling it. Thx

    ReplyDelete
  5. sundcarrieFebruary 2, 2010 at 7:52 AM

    I agree with the other comments. It is difficult to find a good balance between how much back story needs to be told early on. I think you are rushing the character description. I would still turn the page but you can slow down a little. I don't know about everyone else but I like the action but prefer a well rounded character.

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