Sunday, January 31, 2010

Revised first page

See if this flows better. Let me know if you would turn the page. If you wouldn't turn the page was it better than the first draft of page one? Thx again. and if you see any spots that could be better please let me know.

(small tweeks after posting)

Removed, thx for all the help...


  1. You still have some of the same issues as before, but I think it does flow better and the last paragraph worked for me much better, with a more profound (for me) hint of the real situation.

  2. Okay, I didn't read the first version (I've been desperately writing syllabi for my classes starting in March!), but this is pretty dramatic so far. I could definitely see continuing to read--no reason not to.

    Grammar is another thing... lots of tweaking needed... but I expect you will give me a crack at it some day, or at least let me show you what I'm capable of as an editor?

    Keep writing/revising!

  3. I like it! It's interesting, dynamic, and definitely caught my interest enough that I would want to continue reading.

    As mentioned before, there were a few problems with punctuation/grammar. Also, when you used the word "synched," I believe it should be cinched.

    I'd love to

  4. Thx so much... and yes I am STILL a baby when it comes to punctuations/ grammar. You can bet I will ask for your help once I get a full manuscript for you to edit Shakes. Hopefully by then I am better and make your job easier.
    I am going to send an email later asking you a few questions on the whole editing process.
    Thx for your time all. It helps so much, maybe ill post the second page. Thx again.

  5. There were are few sentences that didn't seem to flow. I think it had much to do with the punctuation and some minor grammar issues. I am very interested in the story thought and would turn the page.