Wednesday, February 3, 2010

First Page Revision of the Revised, ha-ha.

I you would plz, read the page and let me know if I am heading in the right direction. Are you less confused? And would you to turn the page out of desire to find out more? not out of pity?


Thx for everything…


Removed.... thx for all the help.
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3 comments:

  1. Stephanie BarrFebruary 4, 2010 at 6:43 AM

    The dream sequence didn't add anything for me. I've been told starting a book mid-dream has become cliche (though it doesn't bother me personally).

    I don't know that I found this less or more confusing (although there are no longer contradictions, but that's because we haven't met his father yet). Appreciate knowing where he's hiding, but there might be too much emphasis on that. Instead of writing all this:

    "Satisfied with his decoy he tiptoed to the hiding place. Taking a deep breath he reassured himself that this was the best place to wait. Ryan crouched behind his clothes trunk; a mere five feet from his bed."

    why not just say, "Satisfied with his decoy he tiptoed to the hiding place behind his clothes trunk; a mere five feet from his bed."

    He'd already mentioned it was the ideal spot before he did his clothes decoy.

    Knowing what comes next, I have to ask, why didn't he scope out perfect hiding places earlier given that he expects to be attacked? Why not have a plan already in place?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jeff KingFebruary 4, 2010 at 3:41 PM

    See that’s why I do this, so I can get the truth. My wife knows way too much about the story, to see where it is weak.
    I cover (3 pages later) that he just came to this fort.
    But you’re correct, the first thing he would have done was to plan, this "attack" scenario out first. Thx and yes your sentence is much more concise. I can’t see these problems yet, but by doing this it helps me see it and I hope to never repeat it. (But I probably will)

    It’s back to the drawing board.

    I’ll let other comment before I start this rewrite.

    The reason I am working so hard on this page... is because I feel I can duplicate the rules or lessons learned to make this a good page. So I can make every page good.

    Thx again.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Stephanie BarrFebruary 4, 2010 at 6:24 PM

    It's all about learning. Everyone who reads my stuff shows me things I hadn't thought of.

    ReplyDelete

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