Thursday, January 14, 2010

Plz Give This a Read...

Here is a page in my book where there is a secret to be had. Now the question I have is should I save the info and let the reader find out when the action takes place? Or fill them in now? I was going to fill them in but now I think it should be something for the reader to think about and find out later. Read this little part and tell me 2 things.

First, did this make you want to know more? And would you hold the specifics to the plan until he actually put it into action? Thx for any input you might leave... if you need more of the story to give an opinion plz ask for it.

Gilroy closed his eyes briefly, exhaling his frustrations and continued. “I understand your anger, believe me, from the moment I heard the news I have been racking my brain to find a solution” Gilroy moved to the edge of his seat, his demeanor changed instantly like a child holding a secret. “And I believe I found one.”

The anger filling Ryan vanished. He wanted to make sure he understood him completely before getting too excited.

“An answer to rescuing the students left on the island?” Ryan involuntarily held his breath.


“It’s impossible. The Emperor’s mandate specifically states no ship to ever set sail for those islands for a hundred years. And if any student ever finds their way off the island and the Emperor ever found them, they would be publicly executed.”

“Ahh but there is a way, and the best part is the emperor will order it to be done.” A cunning smile broke on Gilroy’s face.



  1. Sounds interesting to me. I'd let it be a surprise.

  2. It might be because I haven't read anything of your MS other than this blurb, but I'd say drop another hint. "...will order it to be done because..." I could be way off, though, so don't go changing it on my account.

    I do agree with keeping it a surprise for later. You just announced there's surprise, now let it simmer for a while.

    Hey-- if it helps, I just found the absolute best blog entry ever in the history of the world. I tweeted it on Twitter (fun to say) yesterday and a zillion people (including agents following me) retweeted it. It's instrumental in helping you revise/edit your MS. Best advice ever:

  3. Not sure I can offer feedback--I feel like I need more context first. I like saving secrets in general, though, so I side with what Stephanie said.

  4. Caitlin, just wanted to say thanks for the great link. I am always looking for new authors to follow and she really seems to have a good mind for the craft.
    Jeff, a few comments on the passage that may just be personal preference. I believe it was either Stephen King in "On Writing" or Haruki Murakami in "What I Think About When I Think About Running" who said that adverbs should almost never be used. If you read your passage over again I think you will agree that they don't add much.

    "Gilroy closed his eyes briefly, exhaling his frustrations and continued." This could be said just as effectively without using the word "briefly." For example, Gilroy closed his eyes, exhaled and continued. In this sentence you can still glean that Gilroy did not keep his eyes closed from the word "continued" and can sense frustration from the closed eyes and the exhale.

    Anyways, just some thoughts. Be well Jeff

  5. You are correct, hopefully I would have caught that on the revision stage... I always right that way in composition. Old habits and all of that, thx for your advice.