Two pages later in my book.

Give this a read and tell me what you think. And plz be honest... I just want to make sure it’s clear and interesting. Can you visualize it?


Thx so much all. I will be deleting this soon, I hate leaving stuff out there too long.






“To arms… to arms” Ryan yelled staggering to his feet.




His friends sat up, looking confused. The students around the campfire barely looked up at him.


“To arms” yelled Ryan kicking the students around him “there are Vampires on their way here. They’ll be on top of us in mere moments.”


“How do you know, did you see them?” Travis asked getting to his feet.


Most of the students jumped to their feet, looking to Ryan for instructions. The overwhelming feeling to stoke the fire filled Ryan’s mind.


“Throw anything that will burn onto the fire.” Ryan yelled


Within seconds Ryan had to step back because of the immense heat radiating off the now massive inferno.


“Group up on me.” Yelled Ryan


Like they were back in class, every student formed up lines on Ryan’s left and right.


“Stager formations” Ryan yelled “use the fire to guard our backs.”


Seamlessly students began to separate, forming teeth like lines curving around the fire.


“When they come, we must not break ranks. We must not surrender our position from around the fire. Hopefully the high flame will stop them from swooping down on us, if we run were dead.” Ryan shouted “They will be coming from this direction” he pointed directly ahead of them.


He looked through the star filled sky for any dark figures approaching. Light from the fire flickered on the surrounding trees, shadows of students danced on the dirt laden ground. Smoke filled his nostrils, making his eyes water. Anticipation sent chills down his spine.


Three dark shapes became visible outlined against the night sky. Minutes felt like hours. The beating of wings grew closer. The dark shapes flew into the fire light revealing demonic yellow eyes and long teeth that reflected the fire like knives jutting out of their skulls. With a loud screech the Vampires dropped the large fur balls they were carrying. Ryan’s heart skipped a beat as the large balls of fur opened up into three werewolves falling to the ground. They looked massive at least 7 ft tall. Their bodies were covered in thick black hair. Long arms and legs ended in razor sharp claws. Massive wolf like heads and vampire like eyes sent fear flooding through Ryan. The instant the werewolves hit the ground perception of time went from slow to extremely fast.


“Hold your ground” Ryan shouted


The look of fear shown on every students face, but no one gave signs of fleeing. The Vampires swooped in but the flames kept them at bay. The Werewolves were thundering towards them on four legs covering more ground faster than a horse could. In a matter of second they would meet.


“Left and right flanks push up.” Shouted Ryan


On his command the students on the flanks moved up to engage the werewolves running towards them. Ryan felt confident that the slight curve to the staggered formation of students would be the best defense from the onslaught.


“Center brace for impact” Ryan yelled.


Ryan and the soldiers in the middle bent low and held their weapons out with stiff arms to keep the impact away from their bodies. WHAM the werewolf slammed into the middle group so violently it rippled through the group of students like a shockwave. Ryan stabbed continuously as he was knocked backwards from the impact. Several students around him slashed and stabbed the werewolf anywhere their blades could reach. The students being low to the ground sent the werewolf flying over head. It latched onto one of the students head as it flew into the raging fire taking the student with it. Ryan closed his mind to the loss and turned to help the other students.



thx

Ok... Sorry, couldn't wait to post this.

Hopefully this is my last revision of the first page. (Except maybe my wife and a few others doing a Grammar syntax edit.)

I don't know why it didn't write it this way to begin with. His dreams play a big role in the story, and I hope it helps to clarify a few things before I get into the action. Also what his dream showed him will come later, when it’s more relevant. Well here it is; I hope it is better! If not I’ll do it again... until it is.

This is the way it felt right to me, I just couldn't see it before. Thx Steph and others your help has brought me light years further than I would have gotten alone.

I am certain there are a lot of punctuation mistakes, but my wife or daughter won't do it until I am positive this is the last revision... well at lest the last one until I finish the book. plz don't spare my feelings, I know Steph won't and I count on it...

Chapter: 1

Ryan woke up sweat ran down his face, his hands shook in fear. He ripped the covers off him and pulled the note pad from the desk beside his bed. Ryan angled the pad so the moonlight from the adjacent window highlighted the parchment so he could write down the dream. He frantically scribbled down the parts of the dream he could remember. On the night Ryan turned eight years old, was the first night he remembered having these amazing dreams. They felt so real, he could have sworn he woke up with a cut finger that happened in that dream; it was like this whole other world. He thought that dream on his 8th birthday was just an excellent dream, but less than 6 months later that dream had come true. Ever since that fateful day every dream on his birthday has depicted future events. Suddenly he realized if he had this dream he was one year older. Finally he was 13 years old, old enough to be sent to live at the Emperors Training Center, where he will live until he is 17.


Ryan wasn’t like most kids, he wanted to leave home; in fact he wanted that more than anything else… well except maybe becoming an expert with daggers. Ryan’s’ father was the General of the Emperors northern army, and head Captain of the Golden Knights. His father tried to force the shield and sword on Ryan. In his own way favoring the daggers over them, was Ryan's only way to rebel without severe punishment. Ryan loved the look on his father’s face when he chose the daggers as the weapon he could take to his room every night.


With a smile he finished jotting down the dream, suddenly a light flickered in the hallway. He jumped to his feet; Ryan knew exactly what that light meant. He rolled across the bed and picked up his set of daggers off the floor and cinched the belt tight around his waist. Time to put his plan into action, he stuffed the bed with dirty clothes and an extra pillow giving the appearance he was still laying there. Satisfied with his decoy Ryan crouched behind a wooden trunk that was close to his bed. Someone walking into the room wouldn’t glance twice at it, and that was precisely the reason he placed it there. Slowly the door creaked open, a sliver of light revealed a shadow moving towards the bed. Ryan crouched even lower worrying his brown hair was visible over the trunk. His heart pounded so hard it pulsed in his ears. He tried to calm his breathing by slowly exhaling. In the dead silence of his room it sounded so loud; he felt certain his breathing could be heard.


Time ceased to exist. Every drop of sweat hitting the floor marked an eternity. Remembering his mistake from a year ago he removed the daggers from their leather sheaths. Ryan wasn’t going to make any noise and reveal his position this time. Ryan felt scared yet excited for his last opportunity to exact some revenge. He watched the shadow grow as the person crept closer.


Ryan glanced over the bed praying the odd lump in the middle of the blue covers wouldn’t be noticed. He held his breath as the shadow turned into a large man leaping forward whipping the bed with a belt. His father, Kelly Blackheart, throttled the pillows that should have been Ryan. In a blur of anger, Ryan attacked, trying to sink the dagger into his father’s back. Just inches from his target Kelly swung around and lashed Ryan across the face slamming him to the floor.


“Nice try boy, you almost had me that time” Kelly said with a satisfied grin. “Next time, don’t inhale before you strike” he wiggled the belt “that’s what gave you away.”







thx for reading...

First Page Revision of the Revised, ha-ha.

I you would plz, read the page and let me know if I am heading in the right direction. Are you less confused? And would you to turn the page out of desire to find out more? not out of pity?


Thx for everything…

Chapter: 1

Ryan began to run, something was chasing him. Looking back he couldn’t see what it was but felt fear like never before. The sound of his feet against the grey stone sounded muffled and off rhythm. Black ghostly figures encircled him; suddenly he couldn’t move. They took hold of his arms and legs pulling them outward. One of the figures grabbed his sleek brown hair and jerked his head backwards.


“What’s wrong, going to cry… is the baby afraid?” said the figure holding him by the hair.


“I’m almost 13, I’m no baby” Ryan said fighting to get loose “Let me go and I’ll show you who the baby is.”


“Cut his throat” said a demonic voice coming from the darkness.


“As you wish, my lord Barbarious” said the figure holding his hair.


Instantly he felt a blade sliding against his throat, the pain was unbearable. The blood ran down his neck, tears formed in his sky blues eyes.


Ryan sat up, gulping for air, clutching his throat with his hand. He fought to gather his senses with panic clouding his judgment. To his relief the pain faded, and looking at his hand there was no blood. Candle light flickered through the cracks around his bedroom door illuminating the familiar surroundings. He flopped back on his bed breathing a sigh of relief. Thank the Gods it was just a dream he thought.

 The image of the door outlined by light settled in his mind and the fear he had shed moments ago came rushing back tenfold. He realized the light in the hallway could mean only one thing. He bailed out of bed and picked up his set of daggers lying on the floor and cinched the belt tight around his waist. He scanned the room for a perfect hiding place. Long red window curtains looked promising, or maybe the pile of clothes on the floor. A slight smile broke on his pale face as he located the ideal spot. He stuffed the bed with dirty clothes and an extra pillow giving the appearance he was still laying there. Satisfied with his decoy he tiptoed to the hiding place. Taking a deep breath he reassured himself that this was the best place to wait. Ryan crouched behind his clothes trunk; a mere five feet from his bed. It concealed him perfectly yet was close enough to strike from. His heart pounded so hard it pulsed in his ears. He tried to calm his breathing by slowly exhaling. In the dead silence of his room it sounded so loud; he felt certain it would give his position away.


Time ceased to exist. Every drop of sweat hitting the floor marked an eternity. Remembering his mistake from a year ago he removed the daggers from their leather sheaths. Ryan wasn’t going to make any noise and reveal his position this time. The door to his room creaked open and a sliver of light revealed a huge shadow moving toward the bed. Ryan felt so scared yet so excited as he prepared to strike. He watched the shadow grow as the person crept closer.

Second Page.

Here is the second page. I am sorry for pestering you. After this one I will leave ya alone for a bit, I promise.


Thx again, same rules apply.



“Nice try boy, you almost had me that time” Kelly said with a satisfied grin. “Next time, don’t inhale before you strike” he wiggled the belt “that’s what gave you away.”


Ryan’s face burned with pain. Stars popped in his eyes while he looked up lying on the floor. Blood gushed from his nose and ran down his cheek mixing with his sleek brown hair. No matter how much pain Ryan felt he would never give his father the satisfaction and show it.


“Make sure you help you mother clean out your room later. Since today will be your last day living here” Kelly said


“Yes sir” replied Ryan as he got to his feet.


Kelly stepped forward and looked him up and down. “I sure hope you get some meat on those bones soon. Or you will never hold up at the training center.” Kelly chuckled while squeezing Ryan’s arm “I bet you will be one of the smallest kids there. Good thing I trained you so well or else you wouldn’t last a day.”


Kelly always called Ryan small and weak, but in reality Ryan was very strong and excelled in everything he did. His size was average for his age of 13; this was the only thing average about him. He had an abnormally gifted mind that allowed him to succeed where others failed. His amazing sky blue eyes dominated a flawless face, average was the last thing you thought of when looking at Ryan.


“Better hurry up if you don’t want to be late for your first lesson,” Kelly glared at him “you know what happens if you are” he swept from the room slamming the door behind him.


Ryan threw and stuck one of his daggers in the door “I hope you rot in Hades, you dirty, rotten…” the rest he muttered under his breath.


These little episodes with his father were known as “Situational Awareness lessons” at least that is what his father called them. These lessons occurred randomly throughout his life so Ryan could not predict when they would take place. His punishment would vary from being severely whipped, to being doused in cold water, or the good old fashion boot to the back side. Needless to say Ryan became a light sleeper. His reward for being ready for the attack was the ability to stab his father if he caught him off guard. Tonight was the closest attempt yet. Wild fantasies of driving his father to the ground in a bloody mess still brought a smile to his face.


He could hear his father’s voice in his head. “You need to be ready at a moment’s notice. When you’re a soldier there is no time to relax, an attack can come from anywhere at any time. You must learn to pay attention in all situations, especially while asleep. Situational awareness is the top priority of any successful soldier,” Kelly always tried to use this rational to justify his actions… well that’s how Ryan felt about it regardless.


Ryan got dressed trying to ignore the throbbing in his head. He looked over his clothes making sure he would pass inspection. With a sigh he closed the door to his room, and walked towards the kitchen. Looking to make sure he was alone, he grabbed a roll off the counter and hurried outside. As he turned to close the door he jumped back horrified, staring at three large crosses on the door. That appeared to be drawn in blood. The two crosses on the left and right were level with each other. The cross in the middle was slightly higher. He ran his fingers down the symbol to find it was still wet, he smelled the liquid.


Yep that’s blood, he thought.


He turned around quickly, removing his daggers ready for an attack. Fear shot tingling sensations through his body. He glanced left, then right and back again looking for anything out of place. He felt sick with panic and still a little off balance from his father’s blow. Ryan ignored what he could, listening intently for any unfamiliar noise.

Revised first page

See if this flows better. Let me know if you would turn the page. If you wouldn't turn the page was it better than the first draft of page one? Thx again. and if you see any spots that could be better please let me know.

(small tweeks after posting)





Ryan sat up in fear. Dark images moved around him in a haze. He wiped sweat from his eyes as he blinked trying to focus on just one of them. He fought to gather his senses with panic clouding his judgment. Candle light flickered through the cracks around the door illuminating the familiar surroundings of his room. He flopped back on his bed breathing a sigh of relief. Thank the Gods it was just a dream he thought.




The image of the door outlined by light settled on his mind. The fear he shed moments ago rushed back tenfold, as he realized that light in the hallway could mean only one thing. He bailed out of bed and hastily picked up his trusted set of daggers and synched the belt tight around his waist. He scanned the room for the perfect hiding place. Long red window curtains looked promising, or maybe the huge pile of clothes on the floor. A slight smile broke on his pale face as he located the ideal spot. He stuffed the bed with dirty clothes and an extra pillow giving the appearance he was still laying there. Satisfied with his decoy; he tiptoed to the hiding place. Taking a deep breath he reassured himself that this was the best place to wait. Ryan crouched behind his cloths trunk, a mere five feet from his bed. It concealed him perfectly, also was close enough to strike from. His heart pounded so hard it pulsed in his ears. He tried to calm his breathing by slowly exhaling. In the dead silence of his room it sounded so loud; he felt certain it would give his position away.


Time ceased to exist. Every bead of sweat dripping off his chin marked an eternity. Remembering his mistake from a year ago he removed his daggers from their leather sheaths. Ryan wasn’t going to make any noise and reveal his position this time. The door to his room creaked open and a sliver of light revealed a huge shadow moving toward the bed. Ryan prepared to strike. He watched the shadow grow as the person crept closer. Ryan looked over the bed and prayed the odd lump in the middle of the blue covers wouldn’t be noticed. He held his breath as the shadow turned into a large man that jumped forward and started whipping the bed with a belt. His father, Kelly Blackheart, throttled the pillows that should have been him. In a blur of anger Ryan attacked, trying to sink the dagger into his father’s back. Just inches from his target Kelly swung around and lashed Ryan across the face with the leather belt slamming him to the floor.


“Nice try boy, you almost had me that time” Kelly said with a satisfied grin. “Next time, don’t inhale before you strike” he wiggled the belt “that’s what gave you away.”

The First Page Of My Book...

I would like you to read my first page, plz tear it apart. Let me know what you think, is it good or bad? and plz don't spare my feelings.


I know the grammar needs help, I am still learning that part. My wife takes care of that edit for me. But to get an idea of my first page by other people; will help me decide what works with other pages that I am going to write.

If you don't mind plz answer these questions after any comment you want to leave besides these.

1: did the start intrigue you, or was it confusing?

2: did reading the first page make you want to read the second one?

3: did it read easy or did it seem choppy?

4: plz rate it 1 - 10 10 being the highest. (remember my feeling can't be hurt)
Thx for your time and support. This will help more than you know. Well here it is.

Chapter: 1 An Unforeseen Danger

Ryan sat up, black images raced before his eyes. He blinked several times trying to focus on just one of them. He furiously whipped sweat from his eyes, fear pulsed through him. He fought to gather his wits, a flicker of light cascaded from under a door illuminating the familiar surroundings of his room. He flopped back on his bed breathing a sigh of relief, thank the Gods it was just a dream he thought.


Suddenly the fear he shed moments ago rushed back, he sat up realizing what the light coming from under his door meant. He bailed out of bed and hastily picked up his trusted set of daggers and synched the belt tight around his waist. Glancing over the long red widow covering and the huge pile of clothes on the wooden floor, he scanned the room for the perfect hiding place. A slight smile broke on his pale face as he located the ideal spot. He stuffed the bed with dirty clothes and extra pillows to give the appearance he was still laying there. Satisfied with his decoy, he tiptoed to the hiding place. Darkness veiled him, taking a deep breath he reassured himself that this was the best place to wait, perfectly concealed yet close enough to strike. His heart pounded so hard it pulsed in his ears, he tried to calm his breathing but it sounded so loud he was certain it would give his position away.


Minutes felt like hours. He remembered his mistake from a year ago and removed his daggers from their leather sheaths, so when the time came to attack the noise of removing them would not give him away. The door to his room creaked open and a sliver of light revealed a huge shadow moving towards the bed. Ryan prepared to strike. He watched the shadow grow as the person crept closer. Ryan’s eyes were the only thing he moved, he looked over the stuffed blue bed cover and prayed the odd lump in the middle would give it away. Suddenly the shadow turned into a large man that jumped forward and started whipping the bed with a belt. His father, Kelly Blackheart, throttled the pillows that should have been him. In a blur of anger Ryan jumped at his father trying to sink the dagger into his back. Just feet from his target Kelly swung around and lashed Ryan across the face with the leather belt slamming him to the floor.


“Nice try boy, you almost had me that time” Kelly said with a pompous grin.



Thx for your time.

What to do?

I am starting to sound like a broken record. I am going to continue with this topic even if you read this and shake your head at my repetition. In truth is has one big change to the past related topic, on re-writes… well to me it does, we shall see what you think.


Let’s get the party started.

I spent 2 hours writing the other night, and a light bulb went on in my head. The perfect start and progression of my book flashed before my eyes… I tried to ignore the epiphany and continue with my book because I was so close to completing my first draft.

No matter how hard I tried to ignore this insight to my story, commenter’s voices went through my head, telling me always do what’s right for the story, anything that make the story better you must do. Do your best and take pride in what you do, never cheat your book by being lazy…

So I have decided to do a complete rewrite of my book, starting at ground zero. The plot change and flow of the story will change so drastically from the change, it has to be rewritten. I might be able to use some of my previous book, maybe two chapters. It is very depressing to realize a years’ worth of wok just went down the drain. But I feel this change is vital to the viability of the story, it increases tense, flow, connection to characters, and produces an awesome climax on several different levels.

This was more of a sounding board for me, thx for reading…

If you have you ever experienced this before, answer me this. Was it worth it? And were you able to keep up the motivation to do such a drastic rewrite… Thx for your time any comment you might leave.

BTW: here is the link to the Novel word tracker, the one in the top left corner.

Raise Your Hand if You're Sure...

Last night I lay there thinking and a huge wave of uncertainty engulfed my spirit. I suddenly felt like I was wasting my time trying to write a book. No matter how hard I tried to tell myself it is a work in progress and if it takes me 4 years to lean grammar and the proper writing techniques I need to be a complete writer, then I am Ok with that...


It has taken all day to ride myself of this feeling, it was quite disheartening. What finally brought me back to the world of reality, was one thought.

It really does not matter… that’s right it really does not matter.

If all I accomplish is writing an ok book I can give to friends and family then that is better than not trying at all. If all I accomplish is 400 pages I get to throw in the trash then so be it. I resided myself to know that no matter what happens I am growing, learning, understanding and expanding my intellect and understand of the English word by my actions… What’s wrong with that? Nothing…

I hope if anyone reads this, you take one thing from it… and that would be this.

You are the only one that can give up, you are the only one that can refuse to learn, you are the only one that can finish what you’ve started, you can only strive to be better than you were, you can only keep your head up and have faith in what you’re capable of. You, you, you, you, if you won’t do it, who will. If you give up you’re the only one to blame.

I have been down this road before, and probably will again. If I have learned anything about writing it’s that self-doubt waits to bring you down…

Nothing will ever stop me from believing in myself. I hope you feel the same about yourself, because no one can make you feel that way… except YOU.

Best of luck and thx for your support, I appreciate any comment you might leave…

Special thx goes out to: Steph, Shakespeare , and Carrie Sund… you three pick me up and carry me through the dark. It might sound cheesy but it is true. Your constant support is invaluable. thx

Revision...

How long do you wait before you begin Revising your work?


I read Stephen Kings book "On Writing" and he suggest… no demands you waiting a bare minimum of 6 weeks. He states your story should feel odd and distant, like the work from a strange twin.

In your writing experience what works best for you?

Waiting sound hard, yet makes sense.

It is really hard to read my writing for what it is. I skip across my work without really reading it, because I already know what it says and is going to say...

Thx for reading any advice will help.

Ups and Downs...

.


.

.

Man writing has so many ups and downs it drives me crazy.

I can't imagine it ever being easy. It makes you feel so wonderful at times with the rush of the story coming through... then suddenly wham... its fads, leaving you feeling lost and wondering why you even started.

So far the biggest issue is finding time to sit down and write. The main issue with writers block has faded and the story is vivid and bursting. But every time I sit down something always goes wrong.

I wish one day I can get a schedule down to allow myself the right amount of time and hopefully the peace to go with it...

Sorry didn't mean to rant, it just kind of when that direction.



On a side note: do you ever change your story for a person or persons you let read and critic your book. If so answer me this:

What if ones says to change one part but leave a different part that another person said to change and vice versa?

And would you change your story drastically based off of your reader’s comments? Or just change the little thing and have faith your story is good the way you envisioned it. Because I know not everyone you have read your book will like it, or see you eye to eye about it.

This might sound like a hard question to answer, but if you have faced this before it should be one you will know what I am talking about. whether or not you can answer it, well thats another question…

Either way thx for reading.