Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Two pages in the middle of my book.

Give this a read and tell me what you think. And plz be honest... I just want to make sure it’s clear and interesting. Can you visualize it?

Thx so much all. I will be deleting this soon, I hate leaving stuff out there too long.

“To arms… to arms” Ryan yelled staggering to his feet.

His friends sat up, looking confused. The students around the campfire barely looked up at him.

“To arms” yelled Ryan kicking the students around him “there are Vampires on their way here. They’ll be on top of us in mere moments.”

“How do you know, did you see them?” Travis asked getting to his feet.

Most of the students jumped to their feet, looking to Ryan for instructions. The overwhelming feeling to stoke the fire filled Ryan’s mind.

“Throw anything that will burn onto the fire.” Ryan yelled

Within seconds Ryan had to step back because of the immense heat radiating off the now massive inferno.

“Group up on me.” Yelled Ryan

Like they were back in class, every student formed up lines on Ryan’s left and right.

“Stager formations” Ryan yelled “use the fire to guard our backs.”

Seamlessly students began to separate, forming teeth like lines curving around the fire.

“When they come, we must not break ranks. We must not surrender our position from around the fire. Hopefully the high flame will stop them from swooping down on us, if we run were dead.” Ryan shouted “They will be coming from this direction” he pointed directly ahead of them.

He looked through the star filled sky for any dark figures approaching. Light from the fire flickered on the surrounding trees, shadows of students danced on the dirt laden ground. Smoke filled his nostrils, making his eyes water. Anticipation sent chills down his spine.

Three dark shapes became visible outlined against the night sky. Minutes felt like hours. The beating of wings grew closer. The dark shapes flew into the fire light revealing demonic yellow eyes and long teeth that reflected the fire like knives jutting out of their skulls. With a loud screech the Vampires dropped the large fur balls they were carrying. Ryan’s heart skipped a beat as the large balls of fur opened up into three werewolves falling to the ground. They looked massive at least 7 ft tall. Their bodies were covered in thick black hair. Long arms and legs ended in razor sharp claws. Massive wolf like heads and vampire like eyes sent fear flooding through Ryan. The instant the werewolves hit the ground perception of time went from slow to extremely fast.

“Hold your ground” Ryan shouted

The look of fear shown on every students face, but no one gave signs of fleeing. The Vampires swooped in but the flames kept them at bay. The Werewolves were thundering towards them on four legs covering ground faster than a horse could have. In a matter of second they would meet.

“Left and right flanks push up.” Shouted Ryan

On his command the students on the flanks moved up to engage the werewolves running towards them. Ryan felt confident that the slight curve to the staggered formation of students would be the best defense from the onslaught.

“Center brace for impact” Ryan yelled.

Ryan and the soldiers in the middle bent low and held their weapons out with stiff arms to keep the impact away from their bodies. WHAM the werewolf slammed into the middle group so violently it rippled through the group of students like a shockwave. Ryan stabbed continuously as he was knocked backwards from the impact. Several students around him slashed and stabbed the werewolf anywhere their blades could reach. The students being low to the ground sent the werewolf flying over head. It latched onto one of the students head as it flew into the raging fire taking the student with it. Ryan closed his mind to the loss and turned to help the other students.



  1. Admittedly, I'm sick, but I'm having a hard time putting this together with the first page. I don't think that neccessarily means there's anything wrong with it, other than the same syntax/grammar issues that you tend toward, just that taking it out of context makes evaluation tricky.

    Novels tend to require lots of elements to be pulled together to make them a cohesive whole. Pulling out a particular scene can give a very skewed view of the final piece. I'm not trying to be discouraging, just concerned that anything I'd say on this could be negated by what happens between page 1 and page 3 or 4. I'm sure there is work that ties it together, I just don't know what it is. It feels early for so much drama, but, hey, sometimes that happens.

    As a stand alone, it might be too technical rather than not well enough described. Very military, very detailed, which can be good and appealing to the right audience, but felt slow for me (as I don't generally need that much description). More set up than action, but, since there's more action to come, again, it might be in balance. Right now it seems setup-heavy, but, if there are two pages of action coming up, that might not be the case.

    You see how I'm struggling to be helpful.

  2. Thx

    I should have been clear. This takes place in the middle of the book.

    But it does help me see if I am putting in too much description, rather than cutting to the point.

  3. I thought that the exert was quite good, it took me a moment to realize what was happening, where the scene was as well as who was there.

    But I thought it was pretty good. Very descriptive, some parts a bit too much, but still good.

    However all in all i like the idea of it and your word usage is really great!

    Cant wait to read more! :)