Saturday, July 3, 2010

Just wrote this... what ya think?


I have no doubt I have some grammar problems. But when you read this do you get a sense of it? Thx.

Removed.......Thx for the comments.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. It's good. I was a little confused at first when you said "they" and suddenly introduced they are students, but I guess you explain this earlier. You set the suspense up at the start really well, and the tension later on is good.

    There are a few parts which could do with editing to make the prose flow a little more easily, like some run-on sentences and some sentences in paragraphs that don't fit with the unity of that paragraph. But overall it's enjoyable. Congrats!

  3. I know it needs help.

    I think I just need to step back and address this part later. I don't know why I can't make it flow the way I want.

    Any other comments are welcome. Thx

  4. Stepping back sounds good. I often find it helpful to review it after a while, reading it afresh and noting when I find a part particularly jarring and trying to edit/move that part. Writing is rewriting, and all that.

  5. The only thing I can see is that much of it is narrated. Showing those walking down from the mountain talking about the uniforms or discussing the plans once they get down to the guards would help us feel them more potently. Do all you can to let the characters show the events, using the narrator when this cannot be done.

    Very dramatic stuff, though! I like the interplay when the guards keep repeating the code words, with no response.

  6. I *think* I understood. I didn't have trouble following or understanding what was going on.

  7. Jeff--I think the later paragraphs show your story quite well. If you go back and look at the beginning you do more telling than showing.

    They trudges down the windy path, heading straight towards the four armored soldiers who guarded the front gate.

    "We'll be fine. They won't know it's us," Tristin said as they crested the ridge of the open ground separating them from the solders.

    Flamming torches illuminated each side of the gate. The guards walked back and forth. The clanking armor and footfalls echoed through the valley as the students marched closer. The sky had a bluish tint and birds chirpped in the background. (WAIT...IS IT DAY TIME OR NIGHT TIME?) The baggy cloths hung on the students pretending to be guards, and the helmets wobbled as they walked.

    "By the time they figure out we aren't real guards, it will be too late," Tristin said with confidence.

    The changes I suggested made it less narrative and involved the characters more in the setting. But I've said before...I don't have an published book so take my advice with a grain of salt.

    :)Have a lovely weekend, Jeff.