Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Give this a once over.

Please give it a read and tell me what ya think. Good, bad, poor or just plain horrible. Also does this make you want to read more? thx

Removed...........Thx for any comment, it truly helps...


  1. Jeff, I think you should Kelly's name. Your other names are epic and fit the scene, but (to me) Kelly feels out of place. (FYI: I'm no expert...go go with your gut.)

  2. I liked it. I would like to see what happens. I would also like to read some non-fiction if you choose to write about something that really happened to you.

  3. I really like it and it makes me want to read more. Its very intriguing and like I've said before I will totally be buying it. I've been following Natalie Whipple's editing workshop and I just wanted to suggest, changing stuff like battle was soon to follow to it was time, and maybe or at least his dead body to:... the boy: dead or alive. You know just to make it less wordy and more action packed.
    But that's just my opinion based on what I learnt from her workshop. I also agree with Sharon about the name kelly, unless there is a reason for that choice.

  4. OK, this is liked much better than the last segment. This makes sense to me; you're using very vivid images and effective descriptions. I not only have a sense of the action, I have a sense of the disorientation

    Three comments:
    1. First sentence, you don't need to add that he's nervous. You've already shown that he's nervous, we can figure it out.

    2. Second sentence, I would recommend trimming the second clause beginning with "Tristam knew...". Just put a period there and then add a short sentence: Battle was coming. Again we can figure it out and it's more powerful.

    3. When Barbarious yanks the knight, you might want to mention he's flying forward through the air. My first thought was like he'd been hit by a blast of something that sent him flying back. It took me a bit to realize he'd gone forward.

    I think this battle scene is really working.

  5. Thx all, with out your help my growth would be slow, and my understanding would basicaly be standing still.


  6. Works for me, though some editing is needed :)

    Kelly also doesn't work for me... the name smacked me the first time it appeared.

    When might you be finished with the novel? Any thoughts? Feel free to e-mail me about this one.

  7. Jeff, I have an award for you over at my blog. :)

  8. Jeff.... Good job. We can envision the battle. I would suggest that when you revise, that you eliminate instances of telling us what people feel. In every case you are doing a nice job of showing us feelings through dialogue or through actions. There is no need to name the feelings as well...

    For example, your passage says,

    “Last chance to leave my lands in peace, Barbarious, or I will bury all of you today,” Kelly said, malice unmistakable in his voice.

    ... there is no need to say "...maice unmistakable in his voice." because His statement that he will bury all of them implies malice.

    Another example... in the first paragraph you mention that he is nervous.... no need to tell us that since you've already shown us through the "... pounded in his chest and a cold sweat ran down his face."

    Hope these examples help. Your are doing great job of showing action. Keep going.

  9. Thx you all so much... it truly helps, more than you could believe.

  10. Hey Jeff, will read the rest a bit later, but here's a tip based on he first paragraph. The tip is Sol Stein's "Show, don't tell" from his excellent book Solutions for Writers. It means, in brief, paint an action in the reader's mind. It means saying "His teeth chattered" instead of "He was cold" to use a very simple example.

    (I'm glad you reminded me of this tip actually. It's something I really need to pay attention to more often.)

    "Gripping the side of the embattlement, fear mixed with anticipation, his heart pounded in his chest and a cold sweat ran down his face – he was nervous to say the least."

    You don't need the last bit, "he was...". It's just repetition and "telling". And if you do feel you need to tell your readers this then maybe the first bit isn't "showing" enough. In the sentence before that, to show his fear instead of telling it you could describe his grip as "rattling", for example.

    "...He saw his father look left and right nodding to his captains; Tristan knew that could only mean one thing, battle was soon to follow."

    The first bit is certainly showing, showing what his father is doing. It paints a vivid image in my mind. The second part, not so much, but I think you get away with it. It works for me, anyway.

    Good work so far. I'll read the rest later.