A quick rewrite of my last post, using all your advice… if you haven’t read my previous post, plz do so before reading this one. Thx for all the feedback.
1: does the internal dialog act as a disconnect, rather than the intended use of a closer connection between reader and story?
2: Which rewrite is better, this one or the last?
3: Does the key point of (one-last-visit) hit home now, or does it still need help. I agree with the scar idea… I just don’t end my 250 words and the hook point if I try to add that part. If this still doesn’t work, I’ll have to rethink the whole page construction.
4: which one gives you the clearest image, and draws you in better?
THX FOR ALL THE COMMENTS