Saturday, August 13, 2011

Another rewrite of my first page!

I rewrote this first page focusing on a few issues... well, more like faults really. plz give it a read and let me know what you think, especially those followers that have read my previous pages.

It will be interesting to see the response, because (at least for me) it’s a different writing style.

Plz be honest and straight forward… thx




  1. I'm so glad that this isn't a boy waiting for the hero father to return hook. I haven't read the previous versions, but I like this. I'd read more.

  2. I obviously did not read your previous pages but I wanted to tell you this is really good stuff! The only thing that stood out to me was when he thinks "After years of abuse, this time I'll be ready." It was the "after years of abuse" thing. I really like that you're doing this because I agree that the father as anti-hero is extremely intriguing but I think that that particular line could be finessed a lot more. "After years of abuse" sounds like the writer trying to tell the reader that the protagonist has endured years of abuse. I don't think anyone actually thinks in those kinds of phrases, not about themselves. Something more effective might be an image of a scar that was inflicted by his father and then him saying "I'll be ready". Or he is remembering a specific instance of past abuse or something. Maybe he runs his finger down the blade and there's a scar on his hand or finger or peeking out of his sleeve that reminds him of an early instance of abuse (I say early because that would give the reader a heads up that the abuse had probably been going on for awhile). Then he says to himself, this time I'll be ready. It wouldn't require much, maybe just a sentence or two. Also I wasn't sure what we were supposed to infer from the "one-last-visit" thing. I like the whole thing where you say this prison tha was suposed to be a home--that's good but I wasn't sure where you were going with the one last visit. But that may be something that is explained later in the narrative. Anyway, it's just a suggestion. Take it with a grain of salt. Otherwise this is extremely suspenseful and I thought well-written! I'd definitely want to read more!

  3. I sent u a PDF with a few suggestions, but I hope so much that you won't get discouraged because this is good stuff. Keep writing!!!

  4. I agree with Lisa's comment--even the phrase "years of abuse" sounds a bit cliche, but an actual scar or pain would be cool.

    Other comments involve editing... but those I'll get to eventually, when I see the whole product. I like the waiting, and I like that we have two things to wait for, Tristan's father and the mysterious rider. You leave us unsure what to expect with either (though we have a better idea with Tristan's dad).

  5. Jeff, I think you are very brave to put your work out there online and solicit feedback--bravo. So here's my two cents. I like the concept of a boy lying in wait to kill his father after years of torment. It grabs. One piece of critique I would throw out there is that I felt somewhat removed from the scene and I think what maybe does that is Tristan's internal thoughts and explanations about what is happening. Like he himself is observing the scene and providing commentary instead of just experiencing it. Not sure if that makes sense or helps in anyway. Again, love the concept and I think you are very brave to ask for critique in such a public arena. Good Luck with this!

  6. Jeff, I'm in to this already. I got the 'scare-dy' feeling when I read it so you must have nailed it. I agree with the scar thing. I think that changing this would make it more personal. Good luck. Keep writing.