Thursday, January 13, 2011

Been gone...

Sorry all, I’ve been out of town with very sporadic internet access.

My revisions are progressing (very slowly) but I feel at peace with my work… at least for now.

Please read this, and tell me what you think.

Set up: the battle against the magical realm has taken a turn for the worse; horrible creatures have breached the cities walls. Tristan is running home to find his mother and get her safely out of the city, an order he neglected to do earlier. (The creatures have been adequately described on previous pages.)

REMOVED... Thx for your input.


  1. Dramatic stuff. I don't want to go line by line like an editor would, though. I'll save that for later. Some of the description, though, feels mixed.

    This is a weakness of mine, though, too. Since we're in Tristan's head, though, perhaps the detail should be a progression of what he sees, element by element. Consider how his vision would move over a scene, drawn to action, but shaped by what is in front of him.

    Not sure that makes sense. So sorry if it doesn't. (And I'm so glad you are back in action!)

  2. I like it sounds like it will be exciting.

  3. Wow, tension and high stakes at their best! I like it. And the creature sounds really a good way. Great job on your revisions.

  4. This scene was so captivating. I really felt like with each word and the way you put it together, it really brought me into the story.
    I am really intrigued to find out what happens!
    Cant wait to really dive into it one day!! :)
    Great job!

  5. oohhh spooky! The creature will give me nightmares! Good job. :)

  6. All the people who comment on your blog are women. How do you manage to do that? :)

    I wish I knew more about fiction writing. What I've read of your writing, I think is just fine.

  7. You know, Jeff, for a guy who says his grammar is so poor, I think you punctuate better than most, your sentence structures are good and your grammar here looks good, too. Seriously, I have critiqued many, many pages for other writers who don't know where to place a comma.

    Nice tension here. :)

  8. WHOA! Awesome! Love the suspense. I'm not good at correcting stories, but your storytelling sounds very intriguing. Sounds like a published book to me, awesome job!

    (Hope this comment goes through since I usually can't seem to get it to post.)