Monday, June 13, 2011

a long read

Kind of a long read, but if you will, give it a read and tell me what you think. If you don’t want to invest the time I understand… I thank you either way.

Intro: Tristan is fighting a student rival (a real prick), who insulted his pride. Here at the academy its grounds (more like mandatory) to fight to the death... or in the worst case yielding like a coward.  Their fighting at “the pit” it’s a large square filled with sand, surrounded by grass side hills where the spectators get to watch. Tristan’s original plan was to make Clint submit, he didn’t want to kill Clint… but plans change!

A little blood, so the faint of heart, be weary.


DELETED.... Thx for all the comments!!!


  1. There are a few minor grammar issues ("waist" instead of "waste", for example), but I liked the story and I want to know why the Emperor keeps Tristan from killing the weasel! I hope you post a follow-up!

  2. how did I miss that... thx.

    There is a lot of info, or plot lines leading to and from this point. It is a turning point for the story and the feel of the book. And I am glad you get the sense he is a weasel, because he is the biggest weasel of all, his atrocities knows no bounds. Jealousy plays a huge factor, where social prejudices create hatred between the two—who are the chosen leaders for each group.

    Sorry kind of went on a rant there… thx for the comment.

  3. Jeff, I really enjoyed it and it didn't seem long at all. You have balanced the level of detail just right to bring me "into the fight" in my imagination.

    Of course this is only a suggestion, but other than the mother comment it seems to be a fair fight. (and I am only judging this on this section- I am sure you have established the character in other instances as a weasel.) Even though it is cliche- Clint should have a weasel move in this encounter that Tristan overcomes in some meaningful way. Only a suggestion, and I am sure that you've considered this point, but you did ask.

    I did enjoy it and it flowed well, in my humble opinion.

  4. The problem for me is reading this out of context. I have no attachment to either character nor anything against them. There's no sense of justice, per se. Fights, without cause, hold minimal interest for me, but I'm a girl, even if I have a good deal of fighting in my own work.

    The grammatical issues were distracting, but the flow was nice and the fighting easy to visualize. Consider, perhaps, using more specific terms and clarifying wherever possible. "Absorbing the blow" when you've just described being hit with shield and slashed at can be confusing, though you can assume the second is the "attack." Slashing Clint's leg can be more effective if he's been say hamstrung, so specifics on how and where he's been damaged can be effective.

    Personally, though I don't hesitate to have my fighting characters kill, I make a point that it does not involve pleasure (though it might involve satisfaction). Potential exceptions including rapists. However, that's a personal line that a draw.

  5. You've been tagged on my blog!
    I love the action, I understand what you're trying to say, though some of the sentences are fragmented. For example: Clint jumped forward. Slamming Tristan with his shield, and spun low to the ground, swiping his sword at Tristan's feet. Perhaps combine the two as: Clint lunged, slamming Tristan with his shield. Then spinning low, he swiped his sword at the latter's feet.
    Love the action.

  6. Wonderful! I can actually feel the pain of Clint....

  7. Crack the Code winners are up! :)

    Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse

  8. I sent you an email critique. :) Great visualization on this segment.

  9. I love long reads! And, anything I was going to mention has already been said. Don't sweat it too much if it's just a draft, they're supposed to be rough. A few passes with an editor or beta reading friend will have it all polished and ready to be absorbed. Lookin good :)