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Ok, this probably isn't perfect but it felt better to me... at least good enough I can move on with my story. If you read my last one plz tell me what you think.
I never realized I am such a needy person. With your help maybe I can see the flaws in my work and move past them.
Thx again...
The wagon came to a halt. Tristan opened his eyes surprised he was able to fall asleep. The ride was very uncomfortable, and seemed to last a lifetime. He crawled out aching all over. He stretched and turned. One glimpse of the massive castle cleared his mind and rid his body of pain.
He leaned back so far trying to see the many turrets and balconies, he about tipped over backwards. The thousands of windows shimmered in the setting sun; the white granite structure seemed to glow. Just standing in the shadow of this mammoth structure made him fell insignificant. Massive doublewide wooden doors were larger than any doors he had ever seen, a six horse team pulling a wagon could pass through easily. If gods lived on earth this would be their home, Tristan thought.
Turning in a circle he took in every detail around the castle, he couldn’t stop smiling it was an amazing sight to behold. The round base of the castle had a massive cobblestone road surrounding it, the endless line of wagons and thousands student milling around fit with plenty of room to spare. Countless streets took off in every direction like spokes a wagon wheel.
He counted six armories, seven blacksmith shops, more horse paddocks that he could count. He tried to look at it all but it was quite overwhelming, there were seamstress shops, cooking pits, archery shops, candle makers, mason workshops. He marveled in the sounds echoing around him. The clopping hooves mixed with the tinking of chisels and the hammering of steel.
He felt stupid realizing this was a huge city not just a training center. This place dwarfed the forts he had grown up in. He tried to envision how many forts would fit in this city; it boggled the mind, his best guess maybe one hundred or even more.
The city was very clean and the smell of it was intoxicating. Tristan took a deep breath drinking in the aroma of roasting meat mingled with leather highlighted with the sweet scent of flowers, the slight hint of pine from the surrounding mountains swirled all the smells together making his mouth water.
Tristan was amazed by all the massive torches on buildings and down roads illuminating every nook and cranny. Ornate brass fittings decorated every building giving the real sense of wealth. It was a wondrous place to be, he thought. Tall archer towers poked above the roof tops of smaller structures in every direction he looked.
A loud voice snapped him back to reality. “Line up men” yelled a large boy standing in front of his wagon wearing a black leather suit.
Thx for any comment you might leave, your advice will not be wasted or over looked.
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Better.
ReplyDelete*Granite can be white, but marble is both more refined but more likely to be solid white. Most granite has a mixture of colors making true white challenging. I'm actually using a "white" granite in my novel, too, but it has black flecks in it so it looks gray. If the glowing were glistening, however, maybe granite would seem a little more real.
*I would not use "doublewide" - it smacks of trailors and, besides, it's unnecessary. Massive works and you describe how wide it is shortly afterwards.
*You describe the city in some detail, but I'm at a loss to know how someone, at ground level, could see beyond the castle and nearest storefronts unless the castle were considerably elevated over the city. In which case, that would best be described. You certainly wouldn't be able to pick out so many specific businesses from ground level and would be unlikely to be able to differentiate them from rooftops. That's the kind of thing you learn wandering through a city, perhaps getting lost.
*The city *smelled* intoxicating? This is a medieval age city? I have to call "no way" - in a world without plumbing and garbage trucks, cities smelled horrible: human and animal waste in the streets, tanners and butchers, general refuse . . . I would not make the city smell intoxicating without a compelling reason.
I'd give edits, but if you feel you can go on, you should... don't get bogged down here if your mind is moving on.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree steph... I need to make it clearer. Also I might slim down the detail or the odd details I have, because he will make his way around the city later.
ReplyDeleteThx shakes... I will move on and save it for editing.
I don’t know why I get hung up on simple things, but it happens all too often.
Any more comments will help thx.
He leaned back so far, trying to see the many turrets and balconies, he almost tipped over. Thousands of windows shimmered in the setting sun; the white granite structure glowed. Standing in the shadow of this mammoth structure made him feel insignificant. The massive doublewide wooden doors were larger than any doors he had ever seen; )I'm not sure if a semi colon is right but I know a comma isn't right.) a six horse team pulling a wagon could easily pass through them. If gods lived on earth this would be their home, Tristan thought.
ReplyDeleteTurning in a circle Tristan took in every detail around the castle. He couldn’t stop smiling. It was an amazing sight to behold. The round base of the castle had a massive cobblestone road surrounding it, the endless line of wagons and thousands student milling around fit with plenty of room to spare. (I'M UNCLEAR ON THIS SENTENCE.) Countless streets took off in every direction like spokes a wagon wheel.
He counted six armories, seven blacksmith shops, more horse paddocks than he could count. He tried absorb it all but it was overwhelming. There were seamstress shops, cooking pits, archery shops, candle makers, and mason workshops. Sounds echoed all around him. The clopping hooves mixed with the tinking of chisels and the hammering of steel.
He felt foolish realizing this was a huge city, not just a training center. This place dwarfed the forts he had grown up in. He tried to envision how many forts would fit in this city; it boggled the mind, his best guess maybe one hundred or even more.
The city was very clean and the smell of it was intoxicating. Tristan took a deep breath drinking in the aroma of roasting meat mingled with leather and highlighted with the sweet scent of flowers, the slight hint of pine from the surrounding mountains swirled all the smells together making his mouth water.
Tristan was amazed by (I'D PUT IN A NUMBERT HERE...)all the massive torches on buildings and down roads illuminating every nook and cranny. Ornate brass fittings decorated every building giving the real sense of wealth. THIS IS A wondrous place to be, he thought. Tall archer towers poked above the roof tops of smaller structures in every direction he looked.
A loud voice snapped him back to reality. “Line up men” yelled a large boy(A BOY IS YELLING ME?) standing in front of his wagon wearing a black leather suit.
Just a few suggestions, Jeff....So your ms is first person, Tristan's POV...right?
Great suggestions, and yes my ms is first person, Tristan's POV.
ReplyDeleteLately writing has been forced and it shows.
Hi Jeff,
ReplyDeleteI have to say, after the first three paragraphs, I still didn't really know who Tristen is, what the wagon is doing there, or where in fact they are. I only really start to know anything about Tristen in the sixth paragraph, when we learn where he grew up. It's a bit of an art to let the reader know some, but not all of the information, and to give the most important information, I know. But I was left quite confused though as to what was going on.
Cheers,
CL.