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Lately I have second guessed everything I have written. I want to know it this description is too much. Also can you see it, when you read it does it come across right?
This is a key setting in my story and I want to get it right, and any advice will help. Thx
Don't be afraid to leave negative comments... I can take it--any comment is better than no comment.
The wagon came to a halt. Tristan opened his eyes feeling stiff and sore. Pale sunlight and the orange glow of torches filled his vision. The group of students climbed out and stretched their legs. Tristan looked around in awe. Turning in a circle he took in every detail, he couldn’t stop smiling it was an amazing sight to behold. The first thing to grab his attention was the massive tubular castle that seemed to stretch to the heavens. He leaned his head back so far trying to see the many turrets and balconies, he about tipped over backwards. The thousands of windows shimmered in the setting sun; the white granite structure seemed to glow. Massive doublewide wooden doors were larger than any doors he had ever seen, a six horse team pulling a wagon could pass through easily. If gods lived on earth this would be their home, Tristan thought.
The round base of the castle had a massive cobblestone road surrounding it, the endless line of wagons and thousands student milling around fit with plenty of room to spare. Countless streets took off in every direction like spokes a wagon wheel. He counted six armories, seven blacksmith shops, more horse paddocks that he could count. He tried to look at it all but it was quite overwhelming, there were seamstress shops, cooking pits, archery shops, candle makers, mason workshops. He marveled in the sounds echoing around him. The clopping hooves mixed with the tinking of chisels and the hammering of steel. He realized this was a huge city not just a training center. This place dwarfed the forts he had grown up in. He tried to envision how many forts would fit in this city; it boggled the mind, his best guess maybe one hundred or even more. The city was very clean and the smell of it was intoxicating, roasting of meat mingled with the smell of leather and sweet scent of flowers swirled through the light pine scented breeze. Massive torches on buildings and down roads illuminated every nook and cranny. Ornate brass fittings decorated every building giving the real sense of wealth. It was a wondrous place to be, he thought. Tall archer towers poked above the roof tops of smaller structures in every direction he looked.
A loud voice snapped him back to reality. “Line up men” yelled a large boy standing in front of his wagon wearing a black leather suit.
thx for any comment you might leave...
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I like the idea behind it , but something about it seems like its not quite ready yet...
ReplyDeleteI understand its a description passage but is there anyway you could make it more active (as in active voice?) For example, the sentence the first thing to catch his attention was... could possibly be changed to the massive tubular castle instantly caught his attention. Actually, I think what I mean is that it's seems like such an active book, I would imagine the description would be more energetic, with his excitement, shock, or surprise coming through. Another thing is about Tristan's statements. They don't really give me a feel of his age or his character. They seem a bit too generic. Maybe if you try to channel his character, it will get you a better idea of what he would say.
I do like the second paragraph description, and that's really good because I tend to glaze over if the description is too long (short attention span).
If you are doubting your work, it might help to take a step away from it to do other stuff you love for a while if you can. It might give you fresh eyes.
Hope I helped! Keep up the great work. I know you can do this!
Thx so much for your support.
ReplyDeleteyour point of view has helped a great deal. I will try and put it into action.
thx again.
Sorry, I've been way behind in reading blogs that require concentration.
ReplyDelete*I would not describe the castle as tubular unless it is an unadorned cylinder (and there are castles like that). It's too specific.
*Granite can be white, but marble is both more refined but more likely to be solid white. Most granite has a mixture of colors making true white challenging. I'm actually using a "white" granite in my novel, too, but it has black flecks in it so it looks gray.
*I would not use "doublewide" - it smacks of trailors and, besides, it's unnecessary. Massive works and you describe how wide it is shortly afterwards.
*You describe the city in some detail, but I'm at a loss to know how someone, at ground level, could see beyond the castle and nearest storefronts unless the castle were considerably elevated over the city. In which case, that would best be described.
In general, I think your descriptions are your strong suit, but this is not your strongest description.