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I have no doubt I have some grammar problems. But when you read this do you get a sense of it? Thx.
Removed.......Thx for the comments.
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An aspiring author, who asks for help from others in the field. Any advice will not be wasted. I appreciate everyone who leaves a comment, and if possible I will return the favor. Thx
3rd Draft Novel Progress Report.
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About Me
- Jeff King
- spanish fork, UT, United States
- I have worked in masonry for 15 years, and have been a foreman for 6 of those years. I have started to write a novel and seek all the advice I can get.
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Thank you for visiting, if you have anything to add to this Blog about the publishing feild please just leave response in comment and i will start a post about it.
Your time and information is desired, there are many stuggling authours out there that need help and advice. so if you need help or offering it please share your thoughts, and thanks for helping out....
Your time and information is desired, there are many stuggling authours out there that need help and advice. so if you need help or offering it please share your thoughts, and thanks for helping out....
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ReplyDeleteIt's good. I was a little confused at first when you said "they" and suddenly introduced they are students, but I guess you explain this earlier. You set the suspense up at the start really well, and the tension later on is good.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few parts which could do with editing to make the prose flow a little more easily, like some run-on sentences and some sentences in paragraphs that don't fit with the unity of that paragraph. But overall it's enjoyable. Congrats!
I know it needs help.
ReplyDeleteI think I just need to step back and address this part later. I don't know why I can't make it flow the way I want.
Any other comments are welcome. Thx
Stepping back sounds good. I often find it helpful to review it after a while, reading it afresh and noting when I find a part particularly jarring and trying to edit/move that part. Writing is rewriting, and all that.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I can see is that much of it is narrated. Showing those walking down from the mountain talking about the uniforms or discussing the plans once they get down to the guards would help us feel them more potently. Do all you can to let the characters show the events, using the narrator when this cannot be done.
ReplyDeleteVery dramatic stuff, though! I like the interplay when the guards keep repeating the code words, with no response.
I *think* I understood. I didn't have trouble following or understanding what was going on.
ReplyDeleteJeff--I think the later paragraphs show your story quite well. If you go back and look at the beginning you do more telling than showing.
ReplyDeleteThey trudges down the windy path, heading straight towards the four armored soldiers who guarded the front gate.
"We'll be fine. They won't know it's us," Tristin said as they crested the ridge of the open ground separating them from the solders.
Flamming torches illuminated each side of the gate. The guards walked back and forth. The clanking armor and footfalls echoed through the valley as the students marched closer. The sky had a bluish tint and birds chirpped in the background. (WAIT...IS IT DAY TIME OR NIGHT TIME?) The baggy cloths hung on the students pretending to be guards, and the helmets wobbled as they walked.
"By the time they figure out we aren't real guards, it will be too late," Tristin said with confidence.
The changes I suggested made it less narrative and involved the characters more in the setting. But hey...like I've said before...I don't have an published book so take my advice with a grain of salt.
:)Have a lovely weekend, Jeff.