Posts
A quick rewrite of my last post, using all your advice… if you haven’t read my previous post, plz do so before reading this one. Thx for all the feedback.
1: does the internal dialog act as a disconnect, rather than the intended use of a closer connection between reader and story?
2: Which rewrite is better, this one or the last?
3: Does the key point of (one-last-visit) hit home now, or does it still need help. I agree with the scar idea… I just don’t end my 250 words and the hook point if I try to add that part. If this still doesn’t work, I’ll have to rethink the whole page construction.
4: which one gives you the clearest image, and draws you in better?
THX FOR ALL THE COMMENTS
POST DELETED
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This is really good. I definitely think it's better than the last version. The mention of his father's captain paints a clearer picture of Tristan's father. The internal monologue is great.
ReplyDeleteI have no trouble with internal monologue. I still struggle with snippets unconnected to anything else (especially since I'm a character writer). It's very difficult for me to have a meaningful opinion. I've certainly read worse starts, but it doesn't grab me either.
ReplyDeleteExcept it should be "Were those footsteps?"
I think this is great! I think the internal dialogue definitely makes you feel connected. It gives the scene tension. This is definitely better than the last one you posted. It's tighter, more tense.
ReplyDeleteI definitely think this version is better than the last. The internal dialogue is done well and I quickly connected to Tristan. I learned a lot about him in a short time.
ReplyDeleteA couple things popped out at me as I read. Although the tension is good, I think a bit more setting would increase it. Perhaps explain how the vacant street makes the M.C. feel. Does he have a bitter memory of this type of night. Is there anything significant about it.
This would smooth out the transition between the first and second paragraph, which improves the overall flow of the piece.
FWIW, I rather enjoyed this and would read further.
This revised version is a lot better. I like the internal dialogue too.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this. I liked the setting. The internal dialogue flows well and gives me a better understanding of the characters. I definitely connect, and get it about the one last visit. I'm eager to know why he hates his father and also have a peek at his face and facial expressions...would read more. This was very well done. :)
ReplyDeleteI really love what you've done with this piece. It's amazing watching a story transform over time from some scattered thoughts scribbled on paper to a bright and catching story. Great work, Jeff!
ReplyDeleteAwesome job with this! You've painted a very vivid picture and you've definitely set the stage with tension. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI don't think the internal dialogue gets in the way.
ReplyDeleteI like this version, Jeff, and I love witnessing the progress. Best of luck! :)
ReplyDeleteNice improvements. I wonder if for pacing/tension you might consider switching the paragraphs that start with "If he could avoid the confrontation..." and "He watched the rider closely...". As it is, you're building the tension and then stopping for internal reflection, which slows the pace. I like the reflection, but I wonder if it should come earlier. If that even makes sense. And it might not work at all.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jo Eberhardt :)
ReplyDeleteHi Jeff,
ReplyDeleteMost definitely a better formulation of the story in this writing.
I like the usage of internal dialogue and it enhances the reader's experience.
Keep going and as you know, it's vital that the reader connects and feels like they are interested and involved in the story.
With respect and happy writing, your way, Gary.
Jeff.... like this one better. You have created more tension here with greater clarity.
ReplyDeleteLou
Hi Jeff,
ReplyDeleteCome on over to my place. There are a couple of awards waiting for you over there.
Love Valentina x
jeff - WOW. really good. only two suggestions. i'd clarify that he ran a finger down the broad side of the blade. then i'd have the rider salure someone in the house before tristan freezes...just to get the right MRU there. you don't want to pull the reader from the story even with a short sentence like "tristan froze" with no reason why he did so.
ReplyDeleteseriously...GREAT job!!