Thursday, March 24, 2011

Give this a read.

Thx for stopping by, give this a read, and tell me what you think… good or bad I want to know what you think. It is choppy, could you visualize it?


It has some violence… blood and killing, so if that stuff bothers you—you might not want to read this.

REMOVED... thx for those who left comments.
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9 comments:

  1. Relax MaxMarch 24, 2011 at 9:51 PM

    I really hope this isn't your Obama fantasy.

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  2. Lola SharpMarch 25, 2011 at 6:46 PM

    Jeff, I think this is pretty darn good. :) I like action scenes and I enjoyed your scene here. I particularly liked the part where he held still, not ducking his head. It's a nice tactical detail and it builds tension. I also like the fact that he put the knife through his voice box. Another strong detail. :)

    A few of my thoughts/suggestions/nitpicks (you asked, or I wouldn't dream of imposing):

    1) The wailing dogs, not whaling dogs...whaling involves whales in the sea. :) (common mistake)

    2) Trust me, no one loves a semicolon as much as I do, but too many of them pulls a read out of the story. All they notice is: "whoa, another semicolon". Less is more with semicolons. I'd remove 80% of them from this scene.

    3) A few cliched comparisons could be changed to something fresh. In fact, I'd like it if the new metaphors contained your MC or story's 'voice' more. For example:

    You have 'He slithered through the grass like a snake'.

    I'd suggest either skipping the metaphor altogether (meaning just leave it with 'he slithered through the grass'. Or crept or belly crawled, whatever. Slithered is fine, but I'd remove the 'like a snake'), or find a new, unique way to describe the movement. (or maybe use a military/tactical maneuver terminology, a way he might describe it if he were speaking)
    (I'll be doing a post on metaphors and description next week.)

    I'd make a sweep for adverbs. Again, less is more.

    And one last thought: you have a lot of good visual and audible mentions here, but since he 'senses' his surroundings, adding scent might be interesting.

    But overall, Jeff, this is a good read. :)

    And, these are just my thoughts and I'm a nobody.

    Happy weekend,
    Lola

    ReplyDelete
  3. Carolina M. Valdez SchneiderMarch 25, 2011 at 8:20 PM

    Great tension in this, Jeff! Nice imagery, too. Lola has some great suggestions. I don't think I could add anything, really. Thanks for sharing! Have a great weekend!

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  4. Jeff KingMarch 25, 2011 at 8:23 PM

    Awesome points... I fixed whailing and the snake part, it does make sense.

    At first I thought adding the snake part help visualize it better. But clearly the slither is more than adequate.

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  5. Sharon K. MayhewMarch 28, 2011 at 6:37 PM

    I liked the tension in it Jeff. Nice job! My only comment would be could you give "the man" some sort of a different title it felt like you used that term a lot in this section. Thanks for sharing. :)

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  6. MidnightKittyMarch 29, 2011 at 9:54 PM

    Thanks for the read. I thought it sounded interesting - something people want to keep reading.

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  7. Julie MusilMarch 31, 2011 at 5:28 PM

    This was great! Oh the tension. I was holding my breath. The sentence "Getting to the spot..." threw me a little. Maybe just change up the beginning a little? Well done. I think my son would love your book :D

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  8. .April 1, 2011 at 6:12 AM

    "It has some violence… blood and killing, so if that stuff bothers you—you might not want to read this."

    **covers eyes**

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sarvenaz TashApril 16, 2011 at 9:15 AM

    Very visual and a lot of really great tension. Nice work!

    ReplyDelete

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