tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7079424739175991097.post3156535795258121795..comments2023-10-22T03:26:52.715-07:00Comments on Authors' Union: DisconnectedJeff Kinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00667419764890599092noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7079424739175991097.post-27649207812367780402010-07-17T07:19:05.913-07:002010-07-17T07:19:05.913-07:00Sorry, I've been way behind in reading blogs ...Sorry, I've been way behind in reading blogs that require concentration. <br /><br />*I would not describe the castle as tubular unless it is an unadorned cylinder (and there are castles like that). It's too specific. <br /><br />*Granite can be white, but marble is both more refined but more likely to be solid white. Most granite has a mixture of colors making true white challenging. I'm actually using a "white" granite in my novel, too, but it has black flecks in it so it looks gray.<br /><br />*I would not use "doublewide" - it smacks of trailors and, besides, it's unnecessary. Massive works and you describe how wide it is shortly afterwards.<br /><br />*You describe the city in some detail, but I'm at a loss to know how someone, at ground level, could see beyond the castle and nearest storefronts unless the castle were considerably elevated over the city. In which case, that would best be described. <br /><br />In general, I think your descriptions are your strong suit, but this is not your strongest description.Stephanie Barrhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17772217449161603561noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7079424739175991097.post-57389599574314525042010-07-16T14:04:38.264-07:002010-07-16T14:04:38.264-07:00Thx so much for your support.
your point of view ...Thx so much for your support.<br /><br />your point of view has helped a great deal. I will try and put it into action. <br /><br />thx again.Jeff Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00667419764890599092noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7079424739175991097.post-84613281333369292682010-07-13T22:41:31.677-07:002010-07-13T22:41:31.677-07:00I like the idea behind it , but something about it...I like the idea behind it , but something about it seems like its not quite ready yet...<br /><br />I understand its a description passage but is there anyway you could make it more active (as in active voice?) For example, the sentence the first thing to catch his attention was... could possibly be changed to the massive tubular castle instantly caught his attention. Actually, I think what I mean is that it's seems like such an active book, I would imagine the description would be more energetic, with his excitement, shock, or surprise coming through. Another thing is about Tristan's statements. They don't really give me a feel of his age or his character. They seem a bit too generic. Maybe if you try to channel his character, it will get you a better idea of what he would say. <br /><br />I do like the second paragraph description, and that's really good because I tend to glaze over if the description is too long (short attention span). <br /><br />If you are doubting your work, it might help to take a step away from it to do other stuff you love for a while if you can. It might give you fresh eyes. <br /><br />Hope I helped! Keep up the great work. I know you can do this!Franniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02004149435514550325noreply@blogger.com